The Cost of a COVID Christmas

If an Avoyelles Parish beau wanted to impress that special bayou belle with a grand gesture this holiday season by buying her the gifts of the "12 Days of Christmas," it would be a shorter list -- and less costly -- than in previous years.

PNC Financial Services of Pittsburgh has released its annual "Christmas Price Index" estimating the cost of providing your "true love" with one set of all of the items listed in the popular Christmas carol. Last year it would have cost you $38,993.59. This year you can get all of the gifts that are available for only $16,168.14.

The reason for the dramatic cost reduction is COVID-19.

Of course, there are only a few beaus in this parish able to plop down that kind of money for a few Christmas presents. Most of us do our shopping on the bargain aisle at Walmart or maybe even check out the thrift stores in the Avoyelles Parish area.

But, for entertainment only, we will proceed to see how much the Pennsylvanians think we should spend to make this holiday an event to remember.

Due to COVID restrictions that prohibit live performances, there would be no dancing ladies, leaping lords, piping pipers or drumming drummers. You could still hire eight maids to do the milking for an hour at minimum wage, provided they maintain appropriate social distancing and wear a protective mask around others.

If your special lady lives on one of the many farms that has made Avoyelles famous, she might be required to do that milking as one of her chores. We would suggest you hire one milkmaid per day for eight days rather than have them all show up at once. Heck, splurge a little and pay them for two hours a day. It's a lot less than those seven swans, as you will see a little later in this article.

Other than that, and except for the all important "five golden rings," the "12 Days" idea is strictly for the birds. A partridge, two doves, three hens, four canaries, six geese and seven swans to be exact.

The fourth day may or may not be canaries. Early versions of the song referred to "colly" birds -- birds covered in coal dust or black-feathered. Canaries were used in coal mines as an "early warning system" to detect lethal gas. If the bird died, it was time to head to the surface.

Since most women would prefer to be given four cute, yellow songbirds than they would four big, ugly, black cawing crows, we decided to call our "calling birds" canaries.

This fun way to mark the holiday shopping season has been computed since 1984, when you could've acquired all 12 days worth of gifts for $20,069.58.

If your true love could do without the swans, you could save $13,125 off the already low,low pandemic price of $16,168.14. We would caution against trying to substitute ducks for swans. She will probably spot the difference between a duck and a grown-up "ugly duckling."

If it would work, it wouldn't be hard to find a duck hunter in these parts that might be willing to part with a few mallards for a whole lot less than the PNC-price of $1,875 per bird. Heck, if you told him it was in the name of true love, most Avoyelles hunters would give them to you for free and throw in some rice dressing to go with them.

According to PNC's shopping guide, this is how much you would spend on the first eight days of Christmas. A piece of advice -- don't ask PNC for recommendations on where to buy your birds.

Since I like my birds plucked and ready for the oven, I am pretty sure I can find a quail and two doves from some bird hunters. If I can't find four canaries, maybe four parakeets from the pet store would do. The three hens and six geese could be purchased from Harvest Food, Piggly Wiggly or Lyons for a lot less than PNC's price tag.

I might even be able to find seven swans for less than $1,875 each with an ad in the Journal or a call to Cajun Swap Shop.

But if you don't want to argue with a group that's been doing this since back when Eddie Knoll was DA and Ronald Mayeux was superintendent, then check out PNC's estimated cost of this grand gesture.

1. Partridge and pear tree. $20.18 for the bird. $190 for the tree.
2. Turtle doves. $450.
3. French hens. $210
4. Calling (colly) birds. $599.96
5. Gold Rings. $945
6. Geese. $570.
7. Swans. $13,125
8. Milkmaids. $58 (1 hour at $7.25 each).

Last year the nine dancers cost $7,442.84 for their performance while the 10 ballerino lords' show would have set you back $10,000. The musicians were much more reasonable with 11 pipers' being paid $2,748.87 and the 12 drummers charging $2,972.25.

If a determined shopper could find the 42 talented artists in the song, and persuade them to take what they charged last year for a one-time performance to impress the object of your affections, that would add $23,163.96 to the cost.

If you wanted to exchange some Pennsylvania for Louisiana, we think you could find nine damsels and 10 fellas willing to hold a fais do-do for you and your girl. Be sure to tell the guys to jump every now and then, just to comply with the conditions of the song.

Pipe-playing is not very popular around here. We might be able to pull together 11 flautists (flute players) and 12 drummers from the ranks of the Avoyelles, Bunkie and Marksville marching bands.

For a little different take on pipes and drums, maybe we could find 11 fans of Marksville native Little Walter who could provide some Blues harmonica and 12 zydeco washboarders as percussionists.

Of course, be it Pittsburgh or Hamburg, it would be a lot cheaper if you could convince her to just watch Hamilton on Disney-Plus.

Taking the pandemic out of the equation to obtain an apples-to-apples -- or pears-to-pears -- comparison to this Christmas and Christmas pasts, the 2020 cost would be $39,332.10. The first Christmas Price Index cost in 1984 was $20,069.58.

The price rose each year until 1995, when it fell to $17,915.25 -- a 26 percent drop from the $24,316.41 price tag in 1994. It had not yet recovered by the turn of the century when it was $20,989.28.

In 2005 it was $25,004.59 and in 2010 it was $31,916.99. In the next five years it rose to $38,140.66. The rate of inflation in the Christmas Price Index slowed since then with the cost being $39,094.93 in 2018 and then dropped slightly in 2019.

Those watching the nation's economy and the pandemic's effect on it are all hopeful that next Christmas will be more traditional and virus-free. Families who are contemplating a holiday where the various households of the family don't come together for a day of feasting and fun are also looking forward to resuming a normal holiday next year.

We at the newspaper take this opportunity to wish all of our readers a merry, healthy and safe Christmas, and our hopes for a New Year to celebrate victory over the virus that has caused so much disruption and sorrow in our community.